The love of my earthly life moved into his heavenly home 12-13-2022. Since Gene passed away, surprisingly, I rarely feel lonely.
I have Jesus to talk to.
And I’ve been talking a lot…day in and day out…pretty much non-stop!
I told Him that I was doing all the talking and it would be nice if He would tell me what I’m supposed to be doing in this next season. I even let Him know how helpful that would be. HA!
My “knower” knows He has been comforting me, providing for me, protecting, and holding me. I am at a place though I needed to hear more specifics. I knew that I needed to get STILL to listen to Him and that’s been a struggle. Psalm 46:1- Be still and know that I am God.
After many frustrating attempts, I went to the beach, sat in my fold-out chair with my notepad and pen. On the blank white page at the top I wrote, “What’s next?” and then I got still and waited.
It was a non-specific question. Since it was so general, I was prepared for an epistle that was to follow (in my own mind of course!). I heard two words. “Roller coaster”.
I wrote that down and then I waited longer for an explanation. I knew it must have been from the Lord because never in a million years would I have come up with something like that! I wasn’t sitting on a beach boardwalk with a roller coaster…it was just beach, water, and a couple piers.
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I started thinking about my personal experiences with roller coasters. I thought about riding up that first hill. My least favorite part! You chug up at what seems a very slow pace building your anticipation. Waiting, waiting, waiting of what is to come…that first downhill. It is usually the steepest and the fastest…and the most exhilarating! Then come all the twists and turns whipping you this way and that. I was smiling thinking about it. (Yes, I’m one of those people!)
Then I heard Him ask me, “Do you like riding them?”.
“Yes!” I said.
I don’t consider myself a thrill seeker, but I do love riding them! I thought back to one of my first dates with Gene. We went to Six Flags over Texas. I had previously asked him if he liked roller coasters and he said that he did. (Score 1 for Gene!) I informed him that I would like to ride all the roller coasters (I think there were four) first before they got too crowded. He agreed. I also remember it had been a while since I’d ridden one, and my older body forgot how you can get knocked around a bit. After the last roller coaster ride my back complained. But I do remember always smiling (attest to the auto-snap photo they take while you’re on the track) and…being happy. I loved sharing the adventure with Gene, too.
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After reminiscing, I heard the Lord ask, “What don’t you like?”
I said, “The climb up the first hill.”
First, I don’t like heights. When I’m climbing up that first hill, I get anxious. And when I’m anxious, I compensate by talking! I’ve told anyone who has been with me in an anxious setting, just talk to me or let me talk!! For example, enclosed spaces like an MRI (I’m one and done on those!), riding in the capsule to the top of the St. Louis Arch, at funerals/memorials. It keeps my mind off the experience. Even though I don’t like the first hill, it doesn’t stop me from wanting to ride a roller coaster. Go figure!
When things are scary, I talk a lot.
He gently showed me how in this season since Gene passed away that I’ve been riding up that first hill. It’s been scary not knowing what’s next. Too slow, I don’t like the waiting! It is what has kept me talking AT the Lord and not listening as much.
Hebrews 11:8- By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
Psalms 130:5- I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.
Photo by Mitchell Luo on Unsplash
The next thing he talked to me about was my mindset. If you told most people their life was going to be a “roller-coaster ride” that would be a negative thing. All those ups and downs, twists, and turns! I thought the same, but He reminded me I like roller coasters…and equating my life to that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It has more to do with the day and time we live in. I think I believed that life following the Spirit of God, or as some call it, “walking in the Spirit” should be smooth sailing. That was my mindset and when things didn’t go smoothly, my inclination was to think I was doing something wrong. The Bible is full of stories of His disciples’ performing miracles, being led by the Spirit; however, life was not easy for them! It’s the same today, we live in a fallen world. All of us suffer loss and can struggle at times…but God.
He also showed me how to not get thrown around or injure myself on this ride of life. Promises He has for me (and you!) in the Word of God. Making Him our refuge and strength (Psalm 91). Allowing Him in the cart with you! Hanging on to Him and putting Him first. He will protect and care for you. Lean into Jesus.
True, I have not felt much loneliness (I realize what a miracle that is!). And now with a small shift in my mindset, I’m feeling less anxious and more confident (possibly even a little excited?!?) about where this ride of life will take me. I’ve been in the waiting, waiting, waiting for what is to come. Typically, not a fun place for me. Now I know. The first downhill is almost here. It is usually the steepest and the fastest…and the most exhilarating!
Photo by Elle Edwards on Unsplash
I am hanging on to Jesus, leaning into Him.
Luke 1:37- For no word from God will ever fail.
Anyone else experiencing loss? Let us know how you are handling it in the comments. We can learn from each other.
Gail 😊
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